


In Living Memory

by Ketita



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Aftermath, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-25
Updated: 2014-06-25
Packaged: 2018-02-06 04:35:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1844575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ketita/pseuds/Ketita
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The war is over, and Levi and Eren are on their way to the sea at last. If only Levi could remember how they got there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Living Memory

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is dedicated to xpyon, who I've been owing fics to since forever. This isn't exactly what you asked for, but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway!
> 
> Thanks to momoicchi27 for reading over and encouraging and rehashing all those gosh-darn annoying bits, and to zee for the read-through! Both of you are amazingsauce :)

Levi awakens, but it is a sluggish feeling that might not have been awakening at all. His head is pounding a painful counterpoint to the titan footsteps that reverberate through his entire body. He’s lying on something warm but not very soft, tossed in a motion that vaguely reminds him of a horse galloping, but less controlled.

He remembers that they are in the middle of a battle, remembers being surrounded by titans and screaming–

But now he feels safe. He doesn’t know where he is, but he is sure that he’s safe, so he drifts off once more.

\---

Sounds of a campfire in his ears, and the smell of meat tickles his nose. He realizes he is hungry before he realizes that he is awake, this time for real. Levi opens his eyes to a warm flame that caresses his skin with heat. His back is protected from the night chill by a cloak wrapped around him.

_The titans– the war–_

Levi sits up, and his head aches dully in protest. He’s not wearing his gear, nor his cravat, not even his uniform.

“You’re awake!” Eren says from across the roasting meat, incongruously cheerful. Eren isn’t in uniform either, nor is he wearing the telltale straps. “The food will be ready soon.”

“Am I dead?” Levi asks, his voice oddly raspy. All he can remember is the fight, and then – nothing. He looks around them. Dark, uninhabited woods. No horses, no signs of titans.

“Oh, no!” Eren says, rushing around the campfire. He wraps his arms around Levi and feels very warm, very real. “Of course you’re alive.” He smells like Eren, and woodsmoke, and titan, and just a hint of blood. Levi sinks into the feeling for a moment, face in the crook of Eren’s shoulder, the throb of his head somewhat lessened.

“The battle-“

Eren pulls away to look at him with worry, eyes sad. “Levi, don’t you remember?”

Levi frowns and thinks back. He remembers the titans everywhere, remembers being hit- and then black. He doesn’t want to admit it, because it will surely make Eren worry, so he swallows and tries to smile. “Of course I do,” he says. Maybe Eren will drop some clue as to what it is he’s forgotten. “We- we won,” he tries, and sees Eren nod encouragingly. “We’re going to,” he hesitates, but there can be only one destination for them. They had talked of it, or rather Eren had, of going there together once they were free. “To the sea, together.”

The bright smile on Eren’s face makes him relax a bit, because surely Eren wouldn’t look so happy if things were wrong. Still, there is a hint of worry about him, and he gently strokes Levi’s hair, barely touching the starburst of pain on his head.

“It’s okay,” Eren says. “You hit your head, and you forgot some things. But you’ve been getting better.”

“Oh,” Levi says. He swallows thickly. Forgot? He’s seen people who forget – seen them drooling idiots in the sewers, seen them gibbering and-

“Hey, hey.” Eren’s touch on his cheeks drags his attention away from the sick clench of his stomach. “It’s not much, okay? I swear, it’s not so bad. You’re still you, Levi.”

“I know,” Levi says, forcing himself to shrug away from Eren’s hands. “I’m not an idiot.” He looks around at their small campsite, so empty of people and clues as to what is gone from his head. He tries again to remember, but there’s nothing much between the war and the campfire. His mind is blank.

He looks back at Eren, at his worried green eyes and guileless face, reaches out to touch. Eren is real.

“Are we alone?” he asks, because there doesn’t seem to be anybody else in the campsite.

“Yes.” Eren’s reply is oddly weighted. “We wanted it to be just the two of us.”

That makes sense, Levi thinks. Between fighting and kidnapping, he’s hardly had any time alone with Eren. He wishes he could remember, but his mind keeps blanking.

“Let’s eat!” Eren says, rolling to his feet, face flickering to cheer once more. Levi moves without knowing, realizes he’s grabbed Eren’s wrist.

“Wait,” he says. “I have to know. We won? Who died?”

Eren is stiff, and Levi regrets having to ask, but he _must_ know.

“Erwin,” Eren says, the name plunging through Levi’s heart like a blade. “Jean, and Sasha-“ Eren’s voice is choked and raw with loss. His eyes go wild, seeing death as he names the fallen.

“Enough.” Levi steps close and wraps his arms around Eren, even as he himself reels in pain. He can’t ask more, he understands, because while he might have yet to mourn – Eren has been mourning for–for however long it has been. He doesn’t know how his forgetfulness happened, but for Eren to relive the pain for Levi’s sake – he cannot allow it. “I understand. You don’t have to go through it again. I’ll visit their graves when we return.”

Eren’s back relaxes a bit against Levi’s chest and face, and his arms cover Levi’s where they envelop his stomach. “I’m sorry,” Eren says, voice choked.

He’s young, and he’s lost his friends. Levi can set aside his own petty issues, though the question of _who, who_ yet gnaws inside him. “We don’t have to talk about it,” Levi says. “That’s not what we came for, right?”

“That’s right,” Eren says and turns to him again, kisses him swiftly on the mouth in a rush of breath and life. “Let’s eat.”

They sit next to each other, close enough that it borders on uncomfortable, but Levi can’t mind. He tries not to think of dead comrades, tries not to think of Erwin gone, tries not to think of why they are out here alone, tries not to choke on the charred flesh in his mouth.

Eren doesn’t want to talk about it, he knows, so he tries not to. But he doesn’t know what to say. What are they to do, now that the war is over? Is everybody else rebuilding? Why can’t he remember?

Eren’s mouth, suddenly hot on his own, draws him away from the thoughts. He wants to protest, knows he should, but thinking of death makes him want to live, so he pulls Eren closer instead of pushing him away. Eren’s heart beats strong against his chest and his hands are everywhere, though he’s so very gentle with Levi. He pushes Levi down on a pile of blankets, cradles his head so it doesn’t jar and send pain jolting through him. Levi would have normally protested the treatment, but the ache is persistent, so he complies and receives a smile for his efforts. Firelight has always made Eren beautiful, and today is no different.

It hits Levi, then, that he had never truly imagined this: the two of them, after the end, together. He had never thought that Eren’s stories of the sea were anything but fantasies. Desiring someone like Levi might make sense when you never know if you’ll live another day, but Levi had always assumed that come the end, Eren would leave him. If Levi survived the war, of course.

A future is suddenly at his fingertips: a future of lazy mornings and days full of adventure, of nights under the stars, of a home by the sea – but how can he grasp a future when his past is gone? He was dropped from battle straight into this idyll, and everything about it screams unreality.

“What’s wrong?” Eren asks, because Levi has stopped moving. Levi’s arms fall to his sides. He can’t hold on to Eren, who has a future of freedom ahead of him and deserves better than being chained to an old man whose head is scrambled.

“My brain is fucked,” Levi says. “You should-“

“No!” Eren bursts out, gentleness vanishing in an instant. He grips Levi’s shirt so hard it threatens to tear (is this Levi’s shirt? It’s unfamiliar, but not new) and practically screams in his face. “I won’t lose you too! You can’t push me away, Levi, I’m _never_ going away, I’m _never leaving you alone_ so don’t you _dare_ try-“

The words choke off in a shattered, angry sob. Levi holds him again and berates himself for forgetting that Eren has lost and if he is what Eren wants as comfort, he’ll gladly provide. He’s selfishly happy to still have Eren by his side. Maybe this is why he consented to come during the void in his memories: it’s easier to mourn and work out the grief when you only have to be strong for one person. They will go to the sea and come back, and perhaps by then the edge of pain will cut less sharply.

“Armin and Mikasa,” Eren manages, and Levi can feel nothing at that moment but cold. “They’re gone.”

“Eren,” Levi murmurs, and buries his grief, his pain, his curiosity underneath Eren’s need. He doesn’t speak because that’s not what Eren wants. Instead, he runs hands down Eren’s shoulders and sides, under his clothes. He uses his fingers to make Eren forget, drowns him in physical sensations. It’s not a real solution, Levi knows, but he’ll be there for when Eren realizes that too.

Levi opens his mouth to Eren’s and tries to think of nothing at the moment. It’s important to be needed, he knows from experience of losing friends. As long as there is somebody who needs him, some reason to take the next step, he’ll force his battered body to take it.

He wraps a hand around both of them and pumps until they both come in a sticky mess, and doesn’t protest when Eren wipes them off with a corner of discarded clothing. They fall asleep by the fire, warm and sated, in each other’s arms.

Levi dreams of death. He dreams that he lies insensate on the ground and watches Erwin die, and then he’s watching others torn apart by titans – but try as he might he can’t tell _who_ they are. He’s running under blue skies across grassy fields full of people. He goes from person to person, all of them busy rebuilding. They are digging trenches and carving gravestones, building houses and riding away on horses. _Who died_ , Levi asks, over and over. But nobody answers. Sometimes their lips move, but he doesn’t know what they are saying. Then Levi is flying with maneuver gear, there are titans all around and he knows it is the last battle, the titan comes out of nowhere and everything goes black-

Levi jerks awake to a fire burned down low and Eren whimpering against his chest.

“No,” Eren is saying, his fingers clutching Levi so hard they will surely leave bruises. “No no no nonono-“

\---

“Eren,” Levi says next morning, when both are looking at each other with bloodshot eyes. “What if we went back, just until I remember-“

“You _promised_ ,” Eren says, voice thick with betrayal and eyes furious.

Levi shuts up. If he promised he won’t renege, even if he doesn’t remember. Shortly after, he gives Eren an awkward apology, because Eren thinking that his word is worth shit bothers him more than he can say.

“It’s okay,” Eren replies. “You didn’t remember. But we _have_ to go to the sea.”

Levi agrees, to comfort Eren. There is a shine of tears in Eren’s green eyes. He is too passionate, too raw. He’s lost too much, so Levi once again sets aside his own pain in favor of Eren’s need.

\---

By light of day, the camp is stranger than before.

Their gear is badly packed. The clothes are folded rather haphazardly and show creases from it. The signs point to someone with military training having done it, so he’s inclined to think that it’s Eren – because it certainly wasn’t Levi. Levi hadn’t packed so sloppily since he had more than one belonging to call his own. More disconcerting is the fact that none of the clothes are theirs. Levi searches through various odds and ends – flint and steel, an unfamiliar watch that doesn’t work, mismatched eating utensilts, but nothing is familiar but his own uniform and Eren’s, Eren’s maneuver gear and both their sets of straps.

They are low on supplies, and what they have is not particularly well-packed or well preserved. No expedition should set out so badly prepared. Do they even know how far the sea is? Levi can’t find any maps in their gear, not even sketchy ones.

Throughout the inspection Eren does nothing to try and stop Levi (which would have been futile, anyway), but watches him with increasing worry. The story doesn’t add up, Levi thinks. This looks more like an escape than anything else. What had happened during the gap in his memories? What had gone wrong?

What he does point out, as they decamp, is – “We have no horses.”

Eren blushes and looks down. “I carry you,” he says. “We thought it would be faster, and safer if we come across stragglers.”

Levi’s brows knit. “How the hell did you get me to agree to this?” And he thinks, _Eren is lying to me_. He feels slightly sick.

“W-well,” Eren stammers. “It’s not completely illogical! I can run faster than a horse, and we don’t have to worry about feeding them, either! Also,” he turns red. “There was a lot of fucking involved.”

It’s plausible, Levi thinks. He’s got a huge soft spot for Eren, and he does know how to exploit it, on occasion. Eren’s blushing looks real.

“I’m sorry about the clothes!” Eren blurts. “I forgot you don’t remember. We ran into some group traveling a few days ago, and they robbed us at night. We caught up with them later and fought them and took their stuff, but we couldn’t find much of our own. You’ve been complaining about the clothes every day since then.”

“And we didn’t want to turn back?”

“You said we’re not weaklings to be put off by having to do a bit of hunting for food.”

It _sounds_ like something he would say. This, too, is plausible; Levi has always known there were assholes around, and winning the war against the titans probably wouldn’t turn human sewer-scum into roses any time soon.

Levi nods, and is relieved when Eren brightens. He doesn’t want to think that Eren is lying to him. It’s his own fault for forgetting, for being weak enough to delete whatever-it-was from his mind.

“I’ll gear up, then,” Levi says.

“No!” Eren bursts out, too sudden. “I mean, you’re hurt! You shouldn’t be using the gear. You could fall!”

“I won’t fall.”

“You already did,” Eren confesses. “I think that’s why you forgot.”

Impossible. He doesn’t _fall_. He’s been using the gear for years – he doesn’t just _fall – what is wrong with him?_

Eren must have seen the look on his face, because explanations tumble out of him, piled one on top of the other. “I think you got a concussion during the battle, and of course afterwards you kept on doing stuff, there was all the cleanup and everything, and you didn’t get treated right – and then you were training because there’s still stragglers, even though the doctors said you shouldn’t, and you fell and hit your head _again_ -“

“Is that when I lost my memory?”

“It got choppy,” Eren admits. “It comes and goes.”

Levi only realizes he’s shaking when Eren’s hands close over his. “So this could happen again,” he says. “I’ll just forget everything _again_.”

“No!” Eren blurts, visibly disturbed by Levi’s reaction. “I didn’t mean that. You’re a _lot_ better now!”

“How many times have I woken up without memories?” Levi asks. He fixes his eyes on Eren’s green ones, locking their gazes.

“Just once,” Eren says. “Just now.”

“You’re lying.”

Eren’s face crumples, and his eyes swim with tears. “I swear, Levi, I swear. It didn’t happen. I shouldn’t have said that, I’m such an idiot. You’re okay, Levi, you’re okay I swear it!” His hands are practically crushing Levi’s.

Levi just lets him blubber, suddenly too tired to deal with it all. His memories are fucked, who knows how bad. Who knows when he’ll just wake up again in a weird campsite where everything feels wrong. His head aches, his body aches, and Erwin is dead and who knows who else –

If Eren hadn’t been clutching his hands in a death-grip, Levi might have just sat down where he was.

He needs a cup of tea. He doesn’t even want to ask, because he can bet anything that there isn’t any to be had.

For a time, he doesn’t do much. Eren seems mildly panicked by this, packs up the camp on his own, and keeps coming back to Levi to touch him gently on the shoulder or arm, as if to make sure he’s real. Levi wants to protest that he’s not a doll, he won’t shatter. He can’t bring himself to.

The one thing he’s worked hard his whole life, prided himself on when he’s had precious few sources of pride, is his self-control. In this fucked-up world he can’t control anything but himself, so on that front, he puts ahead all efforts. It’s difficult, and his control has cracked over time, as deaths multiplied and he found that his heart was weaker than he thought it was. He’d trained his body to be the best weapon it could be, so when it inevitably fails him he’ll know that there was truly nothing more he could have done.

But now – his body failed him, and his mind is failing him. He’s in free fall and can’t stop.

The last time he lost control he’d gotten Farlan and Isabel killed, and since then he’d sworn it would never happen again. Eren is his charge, regardless of personal feelings. He’s willing to sacrifice blood and flesh for Eren’s sake, but how can he protect Eren if he can’t trust his body? He’s a useless little toy for Eren to carry around.

If only Erwin were there, he would probably find the words to make Levi pick himself up and keep moving. But Erwin is gone.

He feels, suddenly, as if everyone is gone, as if there’s nobody in the world but him and Eren on their trip to the sea.

Eren finishes packing and comes up to him hesitantly. Levi shakes off his lethargy, his stupid self-pity, and reminds himself that Eren is clearly mourning. It won’t do for Eren to have to worry about him besides everything else. Having lost Mikasa and Armin, it’s clear that Eren is unwilling to risk anything happening to Levi.

“Sorry,” Levi grunts. “I just need some fucking tea.”

Eren brightens right up, almost manic in his relief. “I’ll find you some!” he says. “I’ll try to find some mint plants-“

“You’ll be a titan,” Levi says. “You won’t be able to see anything from up there. You’ve probably stepped on hundreds of little mint plants by now.”

“I would _never_ do that!” Eren protests, a hand on his heart.

It feels normal. He’s still himself, and Eren is still Eren.

\---

Riding Eren gives him far too much time to himself, and if he’s not careful he’ll just brood about the very, very many things he has to brood about, so he distracts himself – and Eren – by providing running commentary on their surroundings.

“See that tree?” he says. “You know what makes it special?”

Eren shakes his head.

“Fucking nothing, but it doesn’t give a damn.”

Eren snorts a laugh.

Or – “You know, that mountain looks rather like Nile’s face. Ugly and craggy. Don’t you think? Did I tell you about the time-“

He wants to think he’s helping. When they pause and he sees Eren’s face, he understands how hard Eren is working to try and stay bright. It was stupid to come out here alone, Levi thinks. It’s so much easier to keep living when you’re surrounded by other people doing the same thing, but it’s kind of late for that now.

They meet some titans on the way. Levi will not admit that he’s afraid, clinging to Eren’s ear and pressed up against his neck, perfectly helpless and cursing the fact that he’d allowed Eren to convince him not to don the gear just in case. Eren deals with the titans, quicker and more brutal than Levi has ever seen him before. In every one of them he’s seeing Armin and Mikasa’s killers, Levi thinks.

Three, though. How many stragglers _are_ there? Will it continue like this all the way to the sea?

\---

Game is abundant, so they cook all they can and gorge themselves on venison. Eren is upon him almost before they’ve cleaned up, kissing him with frenetic energy. He smells odd, faintly stale and bloody against the impossibly fresh air all around them. Levi refuses to let it bother him.

What does bother him is that Eren is so urgent it’s almost painful, and he finally threatens to kick him off if he won’t take it easy. They may not have to ride horses tomorrow, but Levi is too old for this shit. Luckily, Eren calms down and modifies his raging forest fire into something more like a burning house. Levi appreciates the effort.

Eren cries when he comes and can’t seem to stop, face pressed into Levi’s chest and arms hugging him. Levi holds him for a few minutes, then flips them over and helps Eren forget.

That night, as he falls asleep, he wonders what he’ll remember when he wakes up.

\---

Oddly, he seems to remember everything. He checks with Eren, who confirms that he hasn’t lost any time – and clearly, he remembers forgetting, which is a good start.

“I told you you’d be okay,” Eren says anxiously.

Levi grunts a reply, to which Eren bites his lip and gives him a very forlorn look, shoulders drooping and eyes big and guilty.

“I’m sorry,” Eren says. “I fucked up so bad. I’m sorry.”

\---

Levi has never been afraid of the unknown, but he’s never encountered something as unknown as the world they now inhabit. During the day he pushes his worry aside, but the night is alien. Darkness closes in on every side, full of strange sounds that he knows are animals but disturb him just the same. It seems like the world outside their firelight has ceased to exist, and late at night the cry of foxes and yowl of cats morph into the screams of the dying. The hum of mosquitos is the zip of 3DMG wire, the wind in the branches the sound of the Survey Corps rushing through the trees. Every creak of wood is the axle of a cart bearing bodies, and the crackle of their campfire is a pyre.

Then he opens his eyes to the moonlight and everything is calm and quiet. He wants to take a walk, to prove to himself and the world that they aren’t walking through a forest of death and ghosts, so he quietly rolls to his feet and pads to the edge of the firelight.

Suddenly the blackness ahead is no longer illuminated by moonlight, and Levi remembers tales told among children in the underground, how if you strayed off the path you would never find your way back to the light. If he goes out and his memory resets – he will be lost forever. He turns his back on the forest and returns to Eren’s side, held by an invisible tether.

\---

The first time they split to gather firewood, Levi almost can’t bear it. He’s reluctant to part, but more reluctant to bare his insecurities, so he lets Eren leave the clearing. Eren finds him there, shortly afterward, frozen in place and fighting for composure.

“What’s wrong?” Eren asks, dropping the wood and hand on his knife, ready to fight.

“Nothing,” Levi says.

“Nothing,” he says, three hours later, when Eren is still prodding for answers.

“I’m sorry I’m not the man I was,” he finally says, when the pestering is too much for him.

“You are,” Eren says, choking up.

He’s not. That man knew what it was he feared.

\---

The big question, the one Levi doesn’t want to answer, is why he forgot. He knows that despite everything, Eren is lying about something. He doesn’t want to talk about what happened after the war ended, only says a few things about rebuilding and expeditions and stuff.

Levi _wants_ to believe him, but he can’t shake his feeling of wrongness at how Eren so elegantly weaves the story to answer his many questions. Maybe it was rotten luck, life can be strange, he knows that. But he thinks of his first impression, though he’s disinclined to trust his own instincts right now. His mind has betrayed him; how can he ever trust it?

He says as much to Eren once, when Eren asks why he’s so angry. Eren looks positively stricken and spends the next few hours clumping around the forest and searching for something to make Levi tea out of. It only makes Levi feel worse, like all of Eren’s too-frantic attempts at cheering him up do.

Maybe it’s lucky that Eren spends so many hours as a titan. Before, they were always sneaking time together in between crises and if you had asked them they probably would have wished for unlimited time together. But now that they have it it’s odd. They’re both too tense, grieving, which doesn’t help, but the fact is that they don’t know what to _do_ without a military schedule to adhere to. Quite simply, they’ve never spent this much time together at once, so it’s good that Eren’s stints as a titan act as a buffer.

But he likes it, Levi thinks. He likes being with Eren. It may be the only thing that makes him happy in this shitty world at the moment. He keeps asking Eren about his memories, keeps asking if he’s forgotten anything or missed time.

Eren always says no, and looks guilty, as if it’s somehow his fault.

\---

Levi thinks of guilt. In his experience, horrible occurrences usually make for forgetting. Eren is working so hard to protect him; does this mean he has done something terrible that he doesn’t want to remember? Can he be responsible for Erwin’s death? It can’t be Eren’s friends because Eren would never forgive that.

Or perhaps it was an escape of another sort? Perhaps Historia has become queen and wanted revenge for the insult Levi had done her, so Eren had spirited him away instead?

At night, Levi strains his mind until he falls asleep, and then dreams of faceless people who won’t tell him anything.

\---

There are a lot of titan stragglers, and after two weeks Levi is well enough that he’s unwilling to sit by helpless while Eren fights. Eren isn’t happy about it at all, and since he’s worried to distraction Levi tries to avoid fighting as much as possible just so Eren will do his job, even though he hates the inaction. Just another reason why he is useless.

After every battle Eren holds him hard enough to bruise and kisses him until his mouth would have dried out if he weren’t a titan.

And yet, something in Levi likes being precious to someone. There are so few people left alive who value him, anymore.

\---

Not everything is terrible. Levi has never been a great lover of nature, but it is mildly exciting to catalogue new benign animals they encounter (the predators are less pleasant). Going through a wood they encounter massive black butterflies, near as large as Levi’s hands, which flutter away in a vanishing cloud. Some of them return later, to perch around their campsite. Levi is hard pressed to call them curious, as their brains are smaller than his smallest toenail (do butterflies have brains at all?), but they are pretty.

It’s comforting to see fish, though they are a different sort than Levi has encountered. Within the walls, fish were relatively scarce in comparison to other meats, so Eren and Levi elect to try them. When smoked, they change from silvery to red and Levi finds that he likes their flavor, even if the bones are a nuisance to deal with.

They see beautiful mountains and vast meadows full of flowers. It is improbable that they haven’t even found ruins of civilization, Levi thinks. It’s only been a hundred years. But all they find is unsullied nature and titan tracks.

\---

Eren cries often. Gulping sobs and little hiccupping ones, or silent tears down his face, or shattered eyes above a barely-quivering lip. Sometimes his face is frozen in a mask Levi knows too well.

He’s volatile, too, at times to exhaustion. But Levi doesn’t turn him away and refuses to let Eren’s bouts of anger get to him.

They’re a mess, he knows.

\---

And then, without realizing it, they reach the sea.

Levi starts seeing an odd patch of blue from Eren’s shoulders that cuts the horizon. It’s so big it takes him time to realize that it is, in fact, water, and what he’s looking at is an impossibly large puddle reflecting fractured sunlight.

“Eren!” he shouts. “It’s the sea! Look, it’s the sea!”

Eren lets out a roar and starts running, a jerky gait that makes Levi anchor himself to the huge neck just to make sure he doesn’t fly off.

They reach the shore to find it lined with clean white sand and colorful shells of every shape, size, and color. Eren claws his way out of his titan and joins Levi to inspect their findings, more animated than he has been in a long time. Eren is beautiful in the sun, his eyes the same brilliant color as the shimmering water that laps up against the shore.

The air is strange and salty, thick against Levi’s tongue. When he kisses Eren he tastes salt, but he’s not sure if it’s the air or Eren’s tears.

Eren is quick to kick off his shoes and socks, then, to run through the sand barefoot.

“Come on!” he calls.

“It’s dirty,” Levi says, frowning at the white grains that have already climbed halfway up Eren’s legs.

“Aw, Levi,” Eren is nearly pouting. “It feels great!” He holds his hands out and in that moment he is breathtaking. Sun-browned and glowing, the sea shimmering at his back and eyes bright and unshadowed.

How very dark Eren’s eyes have been, lately, Levi thinks, heavy with grief. Eren hasn’t been himself at all, Levi realizes, and swallows hard. Above the sand line he takes off his boots and socks and rolls up his pant legs before stepping onto the sand. It’s gritty between his toes and he nearly flees back to the grass, but Eren grabs him by the hand and yanks him towards the water.

“Wait,” Levi protests, though he doesn’t go so far as digging in his heels. Eren doesn’t listen, just smiles at him and drags him on. The dry sand gives way to wet, far more pleasant and solid, and then they are standing in the waves, which tickle his toes and then swirl about his ankles.

It’s not nearly as bad as it could be.

So when Eren dances around to meet his eyes Levi gives him a small smile. Eren grins and tackles him in response, and all Levi can get out is a “Eren, no-“ before he’s on his ass in the water.

“Gross!” Levi says. “Fuck, Eren, this water is probably full of fish shit-“

It’s the cleanest, most sparkling water he’s ever seen. Still, though, it’s salty and will probably be gross later. Levi rears up and tosses Eren back, who looks delighted to be sprawled in sand and salty water. Then they are wrestling, clothes sticky and skin gritty with sand, and Levi just knows one of them is going to end up with salt water in his eyes. It had better be Eren.

By some miracle they finish their scuffle without too much mishap, though Levi will probably regret the sand in his underwear for years to come. Eren seems to have worked through his frantic energy and is now content to sit against Levi, head resting on his shoulder and tugging at Levi’s sticky and nasty hair. The waves are up to their laps, cool and pleasant, and the sun is warm enough Levi knows they’ll have to get in shade soon or risk sunburn.

“We made it,” Eren murmurs, his voice broken. “I didn’t think we’d make it.”

Again, Levi thinks. Eren has cried so much recently it seems like his eyes are permanently irritated. It’s not good for him, this being all alone to just mull over his dead friends. What they need is productivity, to build a future together. It’s not that it will cause forgetfulness, but it will ease the pain. Levi knows, because he has been there.

“We should go back,” he says as gently as possible, but still Eren stiffens and pulls away. “I know it’s hard-“

“Can’t we just keep going?” Eren asks mournfully. He’s tense again, eyes growing stormy against their brilliant blue backdrop.

“There’s no _point_ in just wandering around,” Levi says patiently. “They’ll need us for rebuilding-“

He trails off because Eren is shaking his head.

“They don’t need us.”

Levi is inexplicably annoyed. “Don’t you dare think that you’re useless just because Mikasa and Armin-“

“ _They don’t need us!_ ” Eren screams.

“Eren-“ Levi begins, patience beginning to fray. Eren cuts him off.

“I lied, okay?”

Levi has known this ever since he woke up by the campfire.

“I lied to you, I’m sorry, I didn’t know what to do-“

Levi has known this, but it hurts to hear nonetheless.

“You don’t have amnesia,” Eren says.

“But I forgot-“

“You didn’t forget anything. You lost consciousness and I found you and took you out.”

“But, you said-“

“ _I lied_ ,” Eren shouts. “Because they’re _all dead._ We lost the fucking war and everybody died. I didn’t manage to save anybody but you. There’s nothing to go back to anymore.”

“Dead?” Levi repeats. He feels hollowed out, and the world is shaky and leeched of color.

“I’m sorry.” Eren tries to hug him. Levi is stiff.

His mind isn’t broken? He wants to feel relief but can’t.

Dead. They lost and there is nowhere to go back to. Levi’s hands fall to his sides and he stares ahead, mind tripping through possibilities. The world has ended. What do you do when the world has ended?

_Revenge_ , he thinks, but there is no point. They cannot win, and if everybody is dead and the world overrun, what difference will fighting make?

_Death_ , he thinks. But Eren has tried so hard to make him live, as if there is some meaning in the one human left alive. To die now is as meaningless as to continue living.

There is no future either way. Levi’s mind is blank as the horizon.

Levi sits back. The sea laps about his legs and he sighs. Eren’s needs should come before his own, he thinks. Eren is young and doesn’t yet realize that running away from sorrow won’t make it abate, but until he does, Levi will be there for him. Levi’s own gutting curiosity is unimportant.

“We don’t have to go back yet if you don’t want to,” he says, the words crawling up from his throat and odd in his ears. He pats Eren awkwardly on the shoulder. “But someday you’ll have to tell me what it is I’ve forgotten. You can’t keep it hidden forever.”

For some reason, Eren looks like he might cry.


End file.
